Walls

I’m so good at building walls! If I could have a degree in it, I’m sure I’d be PhD. Whenever I invest emotionally in something or someone and I don’t get back enough, I start building walls. And I’m as fast as hell in doing that. Usually the somethings and the someones in which I invested don’t bother to tear this walls down. But sometimes they do. And you know what happens in my stupid mind? There are 2 possible options:  either they try to tear the wall down, but they end up building it even higher and stronger, either they try to tear the wall down, but their strength seems to be 10 times less than that of my wall. So guess what? The walls are still in their place.

I built so many walls since I moved to Sweden that I should start decorating them. It would feel less lonely. Or, of course, I could destroy them. If I try a bit harder and a bit more often, I could destroy some of them. But what do I do with the ones that when I tried to destroy just got stronger? And what do I do when  these walls keep me from getting what I want from this year?

But the biggest question of them all… should I hold on to my walls and my beliefs or should I try to forget about them and get what I am here for? Pffff! I really need to find myself some answers for these questions…

 

Better?

I loved working with someone, having people over for NPM and having some meaningful conversations about life and AIESEC and not feeling like I’m failing all the time. Are things getting better?

 

Today

In the morning I realized that yesterday night I was too tired (read lazy) to post on the blog and now I don’t really remember the small things that made my day. All I can tell about yesterday is that when I went to sleep, I felt much calmer than the nights before (and I actually managed to sleep until the alarm rang at 6:30). In the morning, I also figured out that for some reason the other time in my life when I was so active on my blog was after a bad breakup. Apparently writing, no matter what, has a therapeutic effect on me.

Today didn’t finish yet (actually, I predict at least 1 more hour of working), but I want to avoid the situation that happened last night. So, let’s see… what made me smile today? By far, the best thing was the lecture bash Libby held (she even got a round of applause in the end). The second best was the time I spent with Magnus in the office. We always end up talking about things that matter. Other than that, it was very funny how I managed to send a DHL package in one of the very few places in Stockholm where the clerk didn’t speak any English and the only ways you can make the payments is with cash. And since today was my “improve your Swedish” day, I attended a Chinese class taught in Swedish. Thank God I understood more words in Swedish than in Chinese (3 vs 2)… though at some point I have to confess that I have no idea what language the teacher is speaking

I wish I could say “off to sleep”, but instead I’ll stick to the truth and say “off to check out the potatoes in the oven and then back to real work”

Just before I go to sleep

I just ended a lovely talk to Anusca and we decided to make a deal with next week that we’ll treat each other nicely:we expect next week to be good and next week will turn out at least enjoyable. So I’m making my deal through this post: “Dear next week, I look forward to starting you tomorrow morning at 6:30. I am sure you’ll be the best week 48 you can be and that you’ll have in store for me a lot of positive moments. I promise to think highly about you regardless of the events and moods that I’ll be going through”.

This being said, I officially close a chill Sunday with home cooked food, a few episodes of “House” and ceai de tei.

Paralyzed

“Life’s challenges are not supposed to paralyze you, they’re supposed to help you discover who you are”. I’ve seen this quote quite often in the last year, as it’s the Skype status of a person I know. But for some reason, today, when I finally opened my email and I felt as if everything inside me just stopped, I remembered it. Unfortunately, I feel paralyzed.

In the last few months, most of the decision I’ve made and the actions I took didn’t bring in the best in the people nor in the organization I work for. And meanwhile, there were people that trust(ed) me and have so high expectations of me. At the moment, my only wish is to undo everything and start again from scratch. But I can’t. The only thing I can do is to try and untangle everything little by little. For the last week I couldn’t do almost anything and even if I thought that not acting will stop things from getting more and more complicated, it didn’t.

Now, I’m paralyzed. I feel my whole brain and body stiff (obviously, being able to write this and cook proves me wrong). I’m sick and tired of trying to reach out to people that are much stronger than I am. It only makes me feel weaker. I should admit it: I am a person that likes easy things and loses hope easily in front of adversity. The question at the moment is: am I willing to go through hard times to change this? Too bad that I don’t really have an answer now…

What did I enjoy the most?

I was asked several times these days “What do you enjoy the most about your experience?” and I was quite disappointed to see how hard it was to find anything honest to say. Today I had the chance to be in the same conversation with a person that is very positive and constructive and with one that focuses quite a lot on the negative side of things. After this meeting and also influenced by the conversation I had with Roxi a few nights ago, I decided that I don’t want to be anymore the person that complains all the time, that thinks everything goes wrong and always feels lonely.

Since I know that there is a high chance that this attitude oriented towards a positive change might diminish significantly the first time I’ll encounter a challenge, I decided to keep myself accountable on this blog and to post every day the things I enjoyed/I’m thankful for. They say it takes 21 days to build a habit, so I’ll do this every day until I’m going home for Christmas holiday, on 22nd December.

Today I am grateful for

• waking up at 7 and having a morning chat with Alex and then sleeping again until 11
• the chats with Emil, Setareh and Leo
• the fact that I manage to put the “green lens” in a tough conversation and I actually listened, tried to understand and put myself in the other person’s shoes
• the laptop table Victor improvised for one of our comfy chairs.

Going to sleep now with a nice smile on my face

Thanks giving day (again)

I want to make a habit out of having a positive state of mind before going to sleep. And what better way than to say/write out loud what I am thankful for?

I am grateful for:

• the nice evening I had with Libby and Hristina
• the support and encouragement Damir showed to me
• the info-meeting room we got in SU

Good things happen all around me. I just need to observe them more.